Now bring us some figgy pudding * Now bring us some figgy pudding * Now bring us some figgy pudding * So bring it right here . . .
We won't go until we get some * We won't go until we get some * We won't go until we get some * So bring it out here!

All right, already! Here's your frigging pudding! Jeez! It's like a scene from Kitschmas Village of the Damned. One can only imagine a surly gang of zombielike carolers chanting and scratching at the door, demanding to be fed, or else! What about this dessert would inspire such desperation? The answer is crystal clear: this Victorian-era holiday recipe has suet in it! Of course it does. These caroling fiends need kidney fat to survive. Can things get more frightening? Try this recipe IF YOU DARE. One thing is certain: if you give the ravenous carolers what they crave, they may never darken your door again. We wish you a scary Kitschmas and a creepy New Year!

you will need
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
Pinch of salt
1 cup dried unseasoned fine bread crumbs
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1-1/2 cups chopped dried figs
Finely grated zest and juice of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons milk
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/4 pound suet (the solid, dense fat that encloses beef or sheep kidneys; ask your butcher), shredded
5 gummy orange candies
1 tablespoon chopped dried fig

Serves VI to VIII zombie carolers

1 Sift the flour and salt together into a large bowl.

2 Add the bread crumbs, brown sugar, baking powder, and allspice and stir to combine.

3 Add the figs, lemon zest and juice, milk, and eggs and beat together. The mixture should have a soft, dropping consistency. Fold in the suet.

4 Spoon into a greased 1-quart pudding mold and cover securely.

5 Steam until it has a very moist, cake consistency, about 3 hours.

6 Garnish with the gummy orange candy slices topped with the chopped dried fig.

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