Retox

Grooming
Sure, change begins on the inside, but that doesn't mean you have to go around looking like a loser. Clear skin and healthy hair advertise to the world you're a wet blanket. Obviously, you're spending your nights at home steaming your pores and taking your vitamins. A date with you would probably involve organic food, a nature hike, and a self-righteous lecture about recycling. Boring! What you want is a look that says, "I've been around the block and I'm looking forward to another loop." Get ready for a Retox makeover. These beauty tips will transform you from a mousy do-gooder to a flashy good time. They'll also help you camouflage the dents and dings that come with the twenty-four-hour party lifestyle. Best of all, they'll free you from the PC concerns that have kept you frizzy and flaky since college. Ozone-destroying hair spray? Yes, please! Moisturizer tested on baby bunnies? Why not? You're worth it!

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet: Retox Beauty Secrets

It's sad but true: lack of sleep, gallons of alcohol, and loads of fried foods can take their toll. Dim light and beer goggles can hide only so much. But that's no reason to return to healthy living! Instead, try these quick-fix ideas. They'll help you conceal the under-eye circles, cold sores, and other blemishes that come with the Retox lifestyle.

Puffy Eyes
Sometimes after a night of heavy drinking, light sleeping, or passive-aggressive crying, you wake up with swollen, puffy eyes. The Retox fix? Preparation H. Apply liberally around eyes and watch them deflate. While you're at it, try applying some on your butt and thighs and see if they don't get less swollen, too.

Missing Eyebrow
Have you ever woken up with one eyebrow missing? Of course you have—you're human. The Retox fix? Shave off the remaining eyebrow and start from scratch. You can pencil them in if you want, but we think it's much more fun to glue on a fake mustache instead. Get a variety pack at the costume shop and go to town. Change your look depending on your mood du jour.

Frizzy Hair
When your hair puffs up like a giant Brillo pad and there's no time to waste, simply apply 1/2 teaspoon of vegetable oil and watch the flyaways land. No vegetable oil on hand? Just rub hair with a Tater Tot. (For longer hair, use french fries.)

Greasy Hair
Perhaps you used 1/2 cup vegetable oil instead of 1/2 teaspoon when trying to defrizz your hair, or maybe you're just European. Either way, if you have greasy hair, we have the fix. Apply 1 tablespoon of cake mix to the roots of your hair and work through. The flour will absorb the oil, and you'll smell like a Twinkie!

Blemishes
Welcome to Retox Color Theory 101. Any skin discoloration can be neutralized by applying the opposite color on the color wheel and then covering with concealer. Got a red zit? Apply green as your basecoat. Blue bags under your eyes? Neutralize with orange. Yellow nicotine stains around the mouth? Dab with purple. Black permanent marker on your forehead labeling you "Bitch Boy"? Oof—can't help you there. Next time try not to pass out on the frat couch, 'K?

The Big Ones
And then there are the things that can't be so easily disguised. Black eyes, cold sores, spontaneous unexplained bald patches—these things happen. Fortunately, there's always the costume shop. Eye patches, false mustaches, and wigs will help you conceal the big flaws and have fun at the same time. Everyone likes an accessory. You may find yourself still using that neck brace long after the hickey has gone away.

The Pretty Mess Makeover

Some people work for hours trying to achieve that "I'm not trying at all" look. That "I just got out of bed" look. That "I just took a handful of barbiturates and gave my boss a lap dance" look. And it's a good look, but the thing is, these messy celebrities we emulate aren't going for a certain look, they're just being themselves. Here's how you can be them, too.

Rock Star on the Skids
Begin by having several cocktails, and follow with a few pills of your choice. Then start making decisions about your look. Is a bra an appropriate replacement for a shirt? Yes, it is. Does your lipstick look better on your lips or all around your mouth? All around your mouth, of course. Feeling sleepy? Why not take a little nap and get your hair good and matted?

Bad-Boy Actor
The key to obtaining the bad-boy look is to smoke while you do everything. When you get dressed, fix your hair, or do any other forms of primping, you must have a cigarette in your hand or mouth at all times. Keep showering to a minimum. Replace hygiene with nicotine.

Skanky Starlet
Begin by doing all your shopping in the juniors department, always buying a size too small. On second thought, why not just shop in the children's department? Or, better yet, the infant's? Nothing is sexier than an actual baby tee. And remember, the lower the pants, the lovelier the thong. Don't forget to get your belly button pierced.

Former Child Star
The hottest look for former child stars these days is the prison jumpsuit. Sadly, these aren't available retail, so you'll have to earn one for yourself. Tried-and-true former-child-star methods of obtaining these kicky little numbers include robbing a convenience store, carrying illegal drugs in one's car, and attempting manslaughter.

Diva with a Drinking Problem
The Retox lifestyle in no way supports drinking and driving. Frankly, we don't support driving at all—that's what friends and significant others are for. Instead, just pretend. Sit on the toilet with your makeup case and start swerving around. Now try to put all your makeup on and get dressed while you veer back and forth, left and right. That's Miss Diva with a Drinking Problem to you!