You’d think politicians would know by now that if they engage is sexual dalliances, they will undoubtedly get caught, and the country will slap its collective forehead in disbelief at such stupidity. Here’s how to survive that sex scandal:
HOW TO SURVIVE A SEX SCANDAL
Excerpted from The Worst-Case Scenario Almanac: Politics
By Dave Borgenicht & Turk Regan
1. Circle the family.
Gather your spouse, children, and any other available family members for a photo-op showing them standing around you looking proud and trusting. Invite the press to film you at a family picnic or volleyball game. Present yourself as a solid family person whose family members continue to support you.
2. Respond quickly.
If the allegations of sexual impropriety are true and can be proven, apologize and say you have asked your family for forgiveness and they have granted it. Then ask voters for forgiveness. If charges against you are false—or true but cannot be proven—vigorously deny them in front of media cameras and urge reporters to respect you and your family’s privacy.
3. Do not lie.
Providing inaccurate accounts of your activities may create a whole new avenue for problems.
4. Move on.
When pressed about the scandal by reporters, say you want to focus on issues that affect the everyday lives of your constituents rather than your personal life. Invite the press along to film you engaging in job-related activities such as talking to voters or signing legislation. Present yourself as someone who is too dedicated to his work to let a personal crisis keep him from going forward with more important matters.
5. Leave town.
If the scandal persists, arrange travel on official business. Do not allow reporters to go along and do not give a press conference when you arrive. Be visible and untroubled, but not quotable. If you cut off reporters’ access to you, the story may die down.
6. Take refuge in rehab.
If the furor over the scandal does not dissipate, declare that you have an alcohol or prescription drug dependency that drove you to the impropriety. Then check into a secure and secluded rehabilitation clinic.
7. Ask for forgiveness.
Upon checking out of the rehab clinic, declare that you are cured and now a far better person who can’t wait to get back to working for voters. Ask again for forgiveness and vow to work even harder on important issues.
8. Declare war.
If scandal refuses to die down, announce a bold new initiative such as a war against crime, or if you are in position to do so, declare war on a small country.