Entertainment, Guest Authors

Zombies Hate Stuff

We’re excited to have Greg Stones as a guest blogger this week! Greg is the author of Zombies Hate Stuff. What are your feelings on Zombies? Leave a comment below by April 2nd for a chance to win a copy. We’ll select one winner at random (offer valid in the US and Canada only).

Zombies Hate Rowboats

This is my very first blog entry anywhere in the entire history of time, so you will have to bear with me. I’m not sure if I am supposed to rant angrily about something that doesn’t really matter, or glow nostalgically about something that doesn’t really matter. I guess I will just start writing and see what happens.

As almost none of you may know at this early stage in my publishing career, I have written and illustrated a book entitled Zombies Hate Stuff. And when I say “written,” I mean that I have avoided using any actual sentences and stretched 68 individual words into a 64-page book. Perhaps it is also worth mentioning that my editor Steve Mockus thought of four of those words. So, let us do the math: Between 2008 and 2011, I wrote 64 words. The chances of my winning a Pulitzer Prize this year are fairly slim.

Zombies Don’t Mind Magic

On the bright side, I also painted 56 watercolor illustrations to accompany the text, and since a picture is worth, like, six BILLION words, you are probably now regretting the fact that you inwardly mocked my intellectual capacity while reading the preceding paragraph. So there.

By now you are surely asking, “Greg Stones, how do you know so much about zombies? How do you know what they hate? And why do you smell of urine?”

First of all, leave my bed-wetting out of this. Secondly, I have no idea what zombies actually hate, partially because they don’t exist, but mostly because research makes me sleepy.

My history with the undead boils down to this: I saw Night of the Living Dead for the first time in 2004 and thought it was really cool, so I started adding zombies to my paintings. Not gross, rotting ghouls like you see these days, but classy zombies who understand the importance of a good suit and tie. (The small amount of research that I did showed that nine out of ten victims prefer being eaten by a professional living corpse who looks the part, versus some weekend warrior who thinks it is actually okay to wear warm-up pants in public.) Getting back to my incredibly enthralling artistic evolution: first I painted lone zombies wandering through pretty landscapes, then I unleashed the walking dead on a series of unsuspecting penguins, and finally I turned the ghouls against the entire world in a series of pieces entitled “Zombies Hate…” whatever. Eventually it occurred to me to organize all these random zombie hatreds into a book.

Zombies Hate Moon Penguins

More imagined questions from my audience:

Will this book help us survive a zombie apocalypse?

Yes, obviously. If you know that zombies hate clowns, you will not become a clown, with the added bonus that there will be one less clown in the world. Based on this fact alone, Zombies Hate Stuff benefits the entire planet.

Should this book become a huge success, how soon will you begin to display diva-like behavior?

Next Thursday.

And so concludes my first stab at writing for a blog. Either my editor will read this and think “Wow! What a writer! Let’s have him create ten more books for us!” or “Wow…I can’t believe we published one of his books…”

Let’s keep our fingers crossed, because a book about a bed-wetting zombie clown who hates penguins sounds like publishing gold to me.

Subscribe to our monthly Pop Culture Newsletter.

Recommended

12 Comments

  • Becky March 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    I hate Zombies because they only have one thing on their minds: BBBRRRAAAAIIINNNNNS!

    Reply

  • Araceli March 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Already have a survival plan for the zombie apocalypse. Darn, I just broke the first rule…I'm supposed to talk about it. Let's pretend you never read this…

    Reply

  • Maggie Conners March 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Eat your Brains and Gain your knowledge.

    Reply

  • slampkin718 March 27, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Lol, this is a hilarious post! I like the illustrations!

    Reply

  • ttmilak March 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    It doesn't get any better that Zombies and penguins!

    Reply

  • Sarah March 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    I like zombies but I know full well that I would not last too long in the zombie apocalypse. I am slow and very squeamish about blood so if I managed to kill one (highly unlikely) I would probably pass out and another one would get me. But I like clowns and penguins.

    Reply

  • Bobby Bukowski March 27, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    According to my calculations, Steve Mockus thought of approximately 33.54 words for this article.

    Reply

  • Steve Mockus March 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

    @Bobby: Actually I tried to talk him out of the urine jokes, which I thought risked reader losing sympathy. But maybe they actually *increase* reader sympathy.

    Reply

  • Bobby Bukowski March 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    They may even increase sympathy for the reader.

    Reply

  • Canon Purdy March 31, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    This is really great information! As a sufferer (or enjoyer?) of frequent zombie dreams, now I know things to avoid in dreamland! Do zombies hate Mini Coopers? Last night's involved a red mini cooper as an escape vehicle, but it didn't work out so well. (Zombie dreams never really do.)

    Reply

  • Holly Jensen March 31, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    Very, very funny and I looove the illustrations too! Oh and the urines jokes were spot on! So many of the critters poop in Mr Stones’ artwork, I was wondering about the pee? Sounds like he’s got that covered round the clock! I shall worry no more.

    Reply

  • Wendy December 30, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I bought the book for my son he loves it and now my nephew wants one :) keep up the fun stuff :)

    Reply

Leave a Comment