This week, we’re excited to have Avery Monsen and Jory John guest posting on the blog. Avery and Jory are the authors of All my friends are dead, All my friends are still dead, K is for Knifeball: An Alphabet of Terrible Advice and I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York. Read on for their Valentine’s Day advice and download All my friends are dead inspired valentines here.
It’s Valentine’s Day. And depending on your perspective, this is either the most wonderful time of the year, or the most horrendous and soul crushing.
And we, professional book authors (see: K is for Knifeball: An Alphabet of Terrible Advice, in stores now, along with All my friends are dead and All my friends are still dead) and love experts (no current proof available) are here to help those who consider Valentine’s Day just another chance to mock their lifestyles and single-hood, when all they want to do is be left alone to finish the next season of Homeland.
Singles: we’re here to help! Will you take the help? Will you? Take it! Couples: go read a blog entry about Cake Pops or Boo or something!
And so: we’ve taken your most burning Frequently Asked Love Questions (FALQ) and compiled them below, with (SPOILER ALERT) some valentines for Valentine’s and slapped our names on this blog entry.
Now dig in… and get ready to celebrate next Valentine’s Day with your hot, hot, hot, lover (note: possible fever) because, for all intents and purposes, this Valentine’s Day is still a total, unadulterated, no-frills bust.
Q. Why am I still single?
A. This is a question that The Lonelys (trademarked, and our code name for singles) have been asking themselves since the dawn of time. Fortunately, we’ve figured it out for you. We’ve done the work so you don’t have to. And we can think of two possible scenarios: 1. You just haven’t met the right person yet. 2. You met the right person, but you or your possessions were emitting a weird odor that day. Check the bottom of your backpack for a forgotten, rotting banana, for instance.
Q. What am I supposed to do on Valentine’s Day if I don’t have a date?
A. Let us rephrase this question, just slightly, in the way of answering your question: What aren’t you supposed to do on Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a date? Do you see what we’re saying here? The only thing we can think of that’s completely off-limits is actually going out on a date. Because you definitely can’t do that. Not now and maybe not ever. But everything else is up for grabs! Climb a rock! Blast into space! Repel down a rock! Who cares!
Q. I saw an attractive human being on a sidewalk once and didn’t talk to them and then posted a Missed Connection on Craigslist. Do you think they’ll answer it?
A. The chances of them answering your Missed Connection are the same as the chances of us answering this very question: 100 percent. Just keep clicking “refresh” on your browser. Love is coming.
Q. I think my true love was Laura Jefferson when we were in the second grade. Do you know if she’s still available?
A. Ah, the old my-second-grade-love-got-away scenario. It’s sweet and romantic, with a dash of creepy, honestly. And we’d love to be able to tell you that Laura’s single, but she moved to Houston for a copywriting gig and met a guy and they bought a house and now they have two kids. If it’s any consolation, both kids are named after you.
Q. Is it better to find somebody who shares similar interests or somebody who fills in my gaps by liking different things?
A. If important to find somebody exactly like you in every way, including looks. We call this “Couple Cloning.” Unless you’re rich enough to clone yourself. Either way, problem solved.
Q. Avery and Jory, I love your work. Truly. Your books make me laugh out loud on repeated readings. I buy them as gifts for friends and enemies, alike. I don’t even have a question here.
A. Thank you, anonymous book-reader and question-writer. It’s people like you who make our jobs so much more bearable. We like you, too. P.S. We’re both still looking for our soul mates, if you’d like to send in a pic. P.P.S. Your enemies are our enemies. Your enemy’s enemies are our friends.
Q. Love, blah, blah, blah. You know? It’s like, What is the ultimate goal here?
A. Oh, you’re thinking big picture. We like that. We’re a couple of big-picture guys, ourselves. We’re barely able to function on a day-to-day level. This is true. That “rotten banana” thing from FAQ No. 1 was based on actual events. So listen: the ultimate goal, when it comes to love, is to find a person you can be buried next to for all eternity, where your offspring can visit once a year. Enjoy!
Q. Have you guys ever dated the same gal? If so, how did that resolve itself?
A. Much like your Ben Affleck/Matt Damon type of healthy, enduring partnership, we’ve established a Literary Bro-Code (LBC). As we see it, our LBC in this healthy, enduring partnership is this: if one person spots somebody they think is even remotely attractive, the other one of us is banned from ever even looking in her direction, ever again. Do you see how that works?
Q. That doesn’t sound totally healthy.
A. Was that a question? It’s very easy to sit there and lob criticisms from your anonymous bully pulpit. Why don’t you go comment on a YouTube video, next.
Q. Whoa, whoa, don’t get so worked up.
A. Sorry. It’s just a really stressful time of year. Valentine’s Day is the worst.
Q. OK, so say I spot the right person. My Mr. or Ms. Soulmate. I’m positive of our attraction, even though we’ve never spoken. Approaching people is absolutely one of the hardest things known to humanity. It’s like, What if I get shot down? OK? My ego couldn’t handle that kind of rejection.
A. We hear you, George McFly, and we’ve made it easy for you — the gentle wallflower — by creating these Valentines, which you can print, cut, and pass out to possible lovers. Let us do the talking for you! Seriously! Don’t open your damn mouth, because you’re just going to say something that ruins the moment. We see you about to speak. Please don’t. And happy Valentine’s Day!
Q. Ultimately, should I remain hopeful?
A. What else are you gonna do?
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