If you’re like me, you, too, were simmering over with anticipation for last evening’s serving of Top Chef Masters. Who would survive to the finale?  Would the charity trophy go to zee dashing spaghetti-in-the-shower Frenchman Hubert Keller or the charming quinoa pasta Napa-Italian Michael Chiarello? Would Rick Bayless and Anita Lo fire it up or fall flat? And what garnish of a hat would Gael Greene sport? I really can’t explain how this show seduced me: my “palate” can’t distinguish between parmesan and original Goldfish crackers, I buy the pre-chopped onions at Trader Joe’s to save time and tears, and I’ve survived many days on SpaghettiO’s. (Talk about a flavor profile right there!)

Sure, I applaud the fresh, the organic, the local and sustainable; but when the strawberry-peanut-butter-chocolate-smorgasbord ice cream birthday cake melts all over the freezer because the cake layers are still hot from the oven and the ocean-salty scrambled eggs induce gags and winces, what’s a girl devoid of any culinary skill to do? Perhaps it was the Five Star television inspiration, or the article about the gourmet stylist of foodie porn flick Julie and Julia, or maybe just utter hungry desperation, but when my boyfriend began an every-night-after-work chemistry course last month, I suddenly started to enjoy sweating it up in my little tiny kitchen. Cooking chicken (for a vegetarian who’d never had a run in with raw fowl) became a form of cheerleading, and whipping up frosty blueberry treats in the ice cream maker became the sweetest act of support. While he experimented with molarities and wavelengths and orbital shapes, I tested seasoning combinations and baking temperatures and the geometry of plating. I couldn’t help him memorize the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, but I could learn a frittata recipe by heart.

It was all quite delicious, in fact, until my pizza cemented itself to the pan last week: the kitchen catastrophes have not yet come to an end. Fret not, fellow flawed and amateur chefs! Here are the perfect ingredients for averting dinner-making disaster. So keep those knives out and carry on choppin’.

“Cooking Catastrophes” [from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Life]

1. Cake Doesn’t Rise - Cut the cake into thin slices, fry it in melted butter, then coat it with powdered sugar and serve.
2. Cracked Cheesecake - Slice the cake in the kitchen before serving, or top with sliced berries or your favorite jam mixed with 1 tablespoon of liqueur to make it more spreadable. Allow the topping to seep into the crack, then add more topping to even the surface. To reduce cracks, place a pan of water on the oven rack below the cheesecake while it is baking.
3. Overbeaten Egg Whites - Stir in 1 extra egg white for each 5 you have already beaten. Beat until the whites are of the texture required for the recipe. Remove about 1⁄4 cup to correct for the extra white.
4. Meat Too Dry - Melt 1⁄2 stick of butter and mix with gravy or the pan drippings. Slice the meat thinly, place in a shallow baking dish, and smother with the mixture. Cover with foil and place in a 200°F oven for 10 minutes, then serve.
5. Lobsters Escape - Close kitchen doors and cabinets to cut off escape routes. Wear oven mitts to protect you from the lobsters’ pincers. Use a pot lid to herd the lobsters. Grasp each by the body from behind and place in a large, lidded pot of water, claws first.
6. Lumpy Gravy - Pour the gravy through a mesh strainer. To avoid lumps, combine the thickening agent (flour, cornstarch, arrowroot) with enough liquid to make a paste, then whisk the paste into the hot liquid to evenly distribute it.
7. Soup Too Salty - Add 2 raw, chopped potatoes to the soup, cook for 10 to 15 minutes, then remove. Honey can also help even out a salty taste, or adding more of the other ingredients. To avoid oversalting the soup, season it just before serving.
8. Sauce Too Thick - Whisk in broth (chicken, beef, or vegetable) until the sauce reaches the desired thickness, or pour the sauce through a strainer.
9. Sauce Too Thin - Add 1 to 2 tablespoons of cornstarch to some water. Create a paste, then whisk it into the sauce. Adding dry cornstarch directly to the sauce will create lumps. If you are making a tomato-based sauce, add 1 to 2 tablespoons of concentrated tomato paste and stir to evenly distribute.
10. Sauce Too Garlicky - Remove any visible garlic pieces using a slotted spoon or handheld strainer, then add honey to balance the flavor.
11. Brown Sugar Is Hardened - Place hard brown sugar in a microwave-proof dish and cover with a couple of damp paper towels. Microwave for 30 seconds to 1 minute, then check to see if the sugar has softened, carefully removing and setting aside partially loosened sugar with a fork and re-microwaving still-hard clumps. Repeat as necessary, watching closely to make sure the sugar does not melt.
12. Wilted Lettuce - Fill your sink with warm water. Submerge the lettuce for 5 to 10 minutes, then remove from the water. Dry the lettuce with a salad spinner or paper towels, cover the lettuce with a damp towel, and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
13. Soufflé Collapses - Cover the top with whipped cream or a very thin layer of chocolate pudding, and serve “baked pudding.” To prevent a soufflé from collapsing, use room-temperature beaten eggs, never open the oven door while the soufflé is baking, and place the soufflé on the lower oven rack to give it room to expand.

Tags: Cooking, The-Worst-Case-Scenario-Survival-Handbook-LIFE/, Top Chef